I'd forgotten just how fun the cannon could be...then I decided I would forget it again when I was sent straight to the Kili LM after the third shot. I went back over to Cerbie's though, and chatted with Skyls about the rusty thing. He didn't understand why people were so drawn to it, and I told him that they were intrigued by the idea that they never knew where they'd end up. He corrected me by saying how many places they would end up, but I guess that's true. Nevertheless, the cannon's a sweet thing - a break from the usual, monotous life.

He also said that I seemed more comfortable and content since he had last seen me. I guess it's the combined blessings of Ethucan and Seph that's made me so happy nowadays than I've ever been before. Don't get me wrong - I still have times when I wake up in tears, nightmares haunting my mind of being whipped with a branch like before, or watching my heart break over and over again. I know I'll always be scarred on the inside, as well as the outside, but why forever wallow in your own self-pity? What do you gain? Rather roguish thinking, but it's true. Besides, I'm tired of wallowing in self-pity. It's silly.

But well, I've winded up back in Branishor tower now, beside Seph, on the wolf pelt. I'm looking forward to a long, proper conversation with my love, whenever we're both awake at the same time.

Oh - and cheers to Lug for advancing in power and skill!

Nyght's going to be bonded soon, by the roses. It sounds so romantic and beautiful - I hope I'll be able to participate. As all my friends know, I'm terrible with time, and I haven't been able to participate in a party or anything like that in ages...terrible, huh?

I haven't left this tower in ages either. I can't seem to bring myself to leave Seph alone, even though he's sleeping ever so peacefully. He probably goes out for a walk or two when I'm asleep and he's awake, but yeah...I guess I just don't want to. I think the twisted corridors in the tombs left me feeling a bit queasy - even now. I'm planning to go back there soon, though. That is, after I'm able to talk to Seph again. He's been asleep everytime I'm awake, and that's rather frustrating.

I was able to talk with Kizzy again recently as well. I hadn't seen her since she had taken me through the tombs for the first time, and it was nice to be able to chatter with her again. I told her about the time when some thistly thing beat me up in the wastelands near Branishor once...she told me she would remind them of me and beat them up for revenge, but I told her that they'd just remember me as a mildly crazed citizen. After agreeing that we were both birds of a feather, she also went to say that no-one can live without a little bit of craziness deep inside them. I guess that's true, in a heart-warming sort of way. You've got to be crazy - at least a little bit.

I talked with Sojo again as well - she's such a golden girl. She's planning on becoming a warrior as well, and I'm so proud of her. I know she'll be able to succeed in whatever she does, because she's just so selfless and wonderful and...oh, I'm just biased because I love her so much, but you get my point!

I hope I'll be able to talk with sis again, though...I haven't been spending as much time as I want to with her recently. It's just so nice to be able to see her smiling face, no matter how thin, pale or gaunt she is. Skye is Skye and...there's nobody like her in Valorn that I've seen so far. She's my special big sis, always looking out for me, like I'm looking out for her. You just gotta love her.

Right now, though, I just want Seph to wake up. I wonder if he's sleeping everytime I'm awake on purpose? If he is, then he's got some scolding coming up!

Sis liked the tunic, and I'm glad...it slightly stung a bit, though, to think that she expected me to want to spend time with Seph and not play around with her. Of course I want to spend time with Seph, but I love sis as well. But it also stang that as soon as I went to find Skye, I kept Seph waiting and he ended up having to go to sleep. I'm sitting beside him right now, looking down upon his peaceful, sleeping face, those lovely dark-brown locks fluttering over his cheeks. At times like this, my love for him reaches its height, and I'm just so glad I have him.

But I love sis as well, and I hope she knows that. I'd come to her side in a snap of her fingers, because she means so much to me. And if she ever reads this, let her know that I will always be there for her, no matter what.

She said she was happy that I had found someone who understood me, and so am I....I didn't think it was possible, but it was and is. Seph understands me so much, I'm so glad we're together now. I can't help but feel worried about Ariannah, but...it's Seph's choice and there's nothing I can do other than love this man as much as I do...I just feel guilty, I guess...

I love both Seph and sis...they mean the world to me.

When I awoke today, I saw a face in the sky, coming from the temple. It was the face of a young woman, and as I gazed at it for a single moment, I thought of my own time at the temple.

Today, a young lady called Black Jan Usher levelled, reaching her 15th level. Soon, she'll be able to go to the temple. And I thought of my own time there.

But then, I had to wonder, what had happened to my sponsor, Jordis? The last I saw of her was when I came back to the lands a long time ago, before my trip with Seph and before my trip to Ethucan. She looked tired, unwell, strained, and it hurt me to see her like that. She was still wearing the friendship ring I had given her around her neck, and it felt nice not to have been forgotten, but...now, she's gone. I haven't seen her in ages and I can't help but wonder what happened to her.

She was a lovely woman. Even though she was my sponsor, I was there when she was a level 1 initiate. I watched her grow and attain levels far past my own, and I asked her to sponsor me when I was of my 14th level. She just seemed to be the right one for me - she was friendly, selfless and willing. I always seem to like selfless people, maybe it's because they're the very opposite of myself, but I just knew that she was the right person to be my sponsor. And I was so happy when she agreed to my tentative question.

I'll never forget that day...marcs and marcs of waiting for her to wake so that I could go to the temple...promising Asrai and Agua that I would give them a full account of my trip to the temple...and then the headlong rush down to the Sea Dweller Caves to get the Death Sceptre...and then that last, blissful moment where I chanted those words that would make me an enchanter...

I'll forever be grateful to Jordis, and it pains me that I have nothing to remember her by. I have long stopped stitching my gratitude to her on my robes, and I don't think I should start doing it again. It just doesn't seem right. So I'll just have to remember her in my heart, and honour her memory until the end of my life.

Thank you, Jordis.

What kind of creature or person could have created such a fascinating place? Fascinating, yes, but...that doesn't mean I like it. Oh no, I far from like it. At the beginning it was alright, but towards the end, I started to feel ill. The air there is musty and, out of all the corpses I was leaving (though they were already decaying when they were alive), it stank...terribly...

I was in the Twisted Corridor on the second level of the tombs, searching for the key to the chest in the far-east corridor of the first level. I kept near to the stairway which I had come up to the second level from, because I didn't want to let it out of my sight. I wanted to make sure I could make a quick escape down to the chest when I found the key. But as well as my potions slowly beginning to run out, I was getting this terrible, sick feeling down in the pit of my stomach. Sure, I told Sojo that it was pointless fun - after all, even when I do get the crystal orb, I won't be able to upgrade my amulet - but it was only that towards the beginning. Even when I told Sojo that, I was starting to get sick.

I know I have to get back up there again soon, and I hope I can find my way back, but I should hopefully have an extra salve (as I bled somewhere along the lines) and a stronger stomach when I do. It's a terrible place, the tombs, and it can't help but fascinate you - but at the same time, it repulses you.

Well, we're back in our home continent. Being in Ethucan was marvellous, but I don't think it can ever take away the feeling of finally being home when I'm in Valorn. It doesn't help that I know I'm considered barbaric and hated as an enchantress over in Ethucan, even if they don't know I am one...

So my first plan is to get my armour out of the bank and take a trip down to the tombs, to get the Amulet of Righteousness that Skyls and Jezz were telling me about the other day. It's time I actually did something useful and accomplished something for once, so that's first on my list. Then, if I see her, I need to give Skye her souvenir. I hope she likes it!

Being back in Valorn made me realise just how much I missed all my friends. My close ones especially.

Skye - She makes everything worthwhile for me. I don't know how I would survive without my big sister. She's always right there for me, spot on. I love her with all my heart, and she's like a true sister to me. I would kill myself if something happened to her.

Skyls - We may not be what we used to be before, but the thing is we're still friends, and that's all that matters. Only time heals, and I hope our friendship will be as it used to be. I love him, because he's selfless and helps every single person that he can. That's what makes him so special.

Aly - A true sister to me, and we've been best friends for the longest time. Sometimes, when she's not around, I feel estranged from her. But when I hear her giggling and being the loonie that she is, I realise that nothing's changed between us. She's my dearest Loon Moon!

Sojo - She has a special place in my heart, and always will. I don't see her often, but her laughter and her smile is infectious! She always makes me feel like I'm on the top of the world. She has a large, golden heart, and she's not afraid to make others be happy. I love her.

And last of all, Seph - I have loved no other like I love him now, and I don't think I can ever feel the same for any other man. We've been through so much together, and I've known him from my earliest days. At that time, I confess that he wasn't such a close friend to me - more of an acquaintance. I was slightly curious about his stuttery words, his slightly unconfident demeanor (or is he unconfident? I can't really tell!), and he's oh so perfectly selfless. I have never seen a more selfless man in Valorn. And he is so kind and caring, he means the world to me. My heart would shatter instantly if he disappeared from my life, and I don't think it would ever mend.

I've been through so much since I first started out in Dundee and...well...coming back from Ethucan made me realise - I'm one heck of a lucky girl, having all these friends. I want to thank them in here, privately, for all they have done. And I want to especially thank my love, Seph, for everything.

[COLOR=red][SIZE=14]≈ [/SIZE][/COLOR]

I feel exhausted and almost ill, every piece of flesh inside my body is bubbling with fury, but there's also frustration, apprehension...an almost perfect day was ruined, completely torn apart...I have sand in my hair, sand on my tunic, sand on my skin...

Seph and I were lying on Iscax beach, gazing at the moon and the stars, then as the Sunrifter made its way above the horizon, we closed our eyes and enjoyed the warmth. By accident, I fell asleep in that state, but was soon woken up by the arrival of a messenger bird. Who was it from? Herosci.

As I read the words on that single piece of paper, I lost my temper and broke down in tears at the same time, and Seph was heavily startled. When I told him what had been happening for such a long while with Herosci, holding back more of my tears and wanting to tear all my hair out - oh my - he looked so terrible. I've never seen him looking so...harsh...and that just added to all my feelings and I became slightly afraid. He saw that, and he took me into his arms and comforted me, and I just stood there, feeling my anger and grief ebb away. But then he asked for my gull plume, then he began writing a letter to Herosci. I didn't get to see what he wrote or anything, because my exhaustion - both mental and physical - overcame me, and I slumped down against my pack, losing consciousness.

I've woken here, and the Sunrifter's starting to peek up now. I guess I should go back to Mercantile Street and retrieve my dress, get changed and, well...wait for Seph, I guess.

Deep in the depths of slumber, I lay on a patch of grass by a river. There was a hut, and a group of children were exploring it. One of them was tall and skinny, with brown hair falling restlessly along her shoulders. A necklace lay around her neck, made up of pink, white and yellow beads. She wore a dirty smock, her feet were bare and scratched, and she wore a large, silly grin on her face. She was bouncing around the door, trying to unlock it from the outside, while the children around her watched unsurely. One of them got impatient and nudged her, and she lost her footing. She fell sideways, and somehow her necklace got caught. The thread tore and the beads flew into the air, leaving her neck, swimming before her wide, hazel eyes.

The children fell silent, knowing how much those beads meant to her. I sat up and watched, my own brown hair being blown by some invisible wind in this dream. Then I remembered it should have been up in a bow. I looked down at where I should have been wearing my dress, but I was wearing my robes. My staff was nearby. I looked up with a frown and watched the girl again. I knew why the beads were so important to her - they had been crafted with great care by her father, in her favourite colours. I felt a pang of sorrow for her.

"My beads!" the girl shrieked, flinging herself upon the ground and grabbing the beads in fistfuls. Suddenly, footsteps sounded from inside the hut, and the children scattered in four directions, leaving the little girl to collect her beads. I called out softly to her, telling her to go before the inhabitants of the hut saw her, and she looked up and around, a frown on her grimy, windswept face, her hazel eyes filled with a sudden fear. She quickly stood up and looked around, faced by the open grass. Then she began to run - she ran as fast as she could, still clutching her beads, out of sight. I saw the curtains of the hut riffle, but no-one came out. I craned my head and watched the girl fly past me without a second glance, and a single pink bead fell out of her hand. I picked it up, crafted out of stone, polished till the dull material almost shone. I reached up a hand to feel an identical bead in my own hair, though I knew it shouldn't be there, and smiled. Then I woke in the Ethucan inn, beadless, wearing a dress with my hair tied up neatly in a bow.

The beads that were in the girl's hand, those that used to be around her neck, now decorate her hair. I should know.

We visited the temple today - it was so beautiful. It radiated a soft, golden light that warmed me to the depths of my heart. I left a gift on the altar as the cleric lady had suggested in the room before. A candyball was probably inappropriate, but it was really all I had. Seph left a gull plume, and they sit side by side on the altar. Whether they'll be noticed by Ben, is a completely different matter.

I had to leave early, though...I feel myself getting tired easily more and more as the days pass. I wish I didn't, because I want to stay with Seph everyday as long as I possibly can. But I seem to be getting frail mentally and it's depressing. I just hope he doesn't take it the wrong way, because I do love him...I would kill myself if I hurt him in any way, and he seemed slightly upset that I had to go...I hate myself for it.

He told Skye, and Skye was so happy for me. I love my big sis - she is everything to me. Without her, I don't know what I'd do...she makes my day, everyday. I could live with just Seph and her. I love them both so dearly...they're perfect.

I told Trip, but I didn't tell Seph I had told Trip. He hadn't told me had told Skye, so I didn't really think much of it, but Trip said omission of information was a form of lying. So he went ahead and told Seph that I had told him. I was angry and enraged, but I hid it all with a smile. He can be so arrogant and obnoxious and egoistic, sometimes. I hate him for that.

I should rest now, though...I feel so frail right now.

Everything that happened today is like a dream. From the moment I looked into his journal to that kiss I gave him on the beach - I doubted it would ever happen. When he told me he didn't know what to say or do, I thought that was it. It was done, I had made another mistake, and that I was a wretched ruin.

But then he ran after me, and he took me into his arms, and he kept on telling me that he would try and it'd be alright. I doubted it - I thought he didn't want it. He was just saying it. He couldn't love me - I didn't think he could. But he said it there and then - he loved me. And I just stood in his arms, like the wretch I was, tears streaking down my cheeks, and I finally managed to tell him that I loved him too.

These aren't just words, journal...believe me when I say this, sincerely, that I love him.

I'm just too tired at the moment. Exhausted. I shouldn't sleep in Muriel Park. And it seems I've only just noticed that I'm not so very noble anymore. I'm not sure whether I'm happy or not about that, considering I never considered myself noble. I'm just Ermin - Ermin and noble don't go into the same sentence.

I wanted to go to the beach with Seph, but it turned out I was just too tired in the end. I hope I'll be able to make it back to Valorn before Nyghtwyng's bonding. I couldn't promise her I'd be there, but I do really want to. I watched her grow from a level 1 initiate into the blossoming warrior she is now, so I want to be there for her when she bonds. But I guess you can't have everything, can you? I just hope she's really found the man she loves, and it isn't just another infatuation...

I'm...I'm tired at the moment. Sweet dreams, journal.

I spent another calm day in Muriel Park - I haven't moved, actually. I don't know whether Seph is or was awake or not, and if he was or still is, I hope I'm not worrying or I didn't worry him with my absence. I'm usually sitting placidly in the inn, so maybe he was or still is waiting for me. I'm not sure. I just can't bring myself to leave this place - it's so tranquil, so lovely, and it brings back the perfect twilight that looked down upon Seph and I as we made our way through it.

I sent a bird out to Skyls and had a small chit-chat with him. It was nice to be able to talk to him again, properly - I'd forgotten what a dear he was. And then Trip sent out a bird to me as well. That conversation ended with those silly locks of mine finally being cut! He used his dagger (an un-poisonous one, of course) and cut the locks. Now they're just pretty little tresses adorning my head - the way I wanted them to be. The only disadvantage is that they don't hide the scar, but I don't really mind that anymore.

Note to self - tell Cel not to doubt Trip's spectacular hairdressing skills.

I'm writing in you so often nowadays, but you're like my hideaway, sort of. I can write anything I want in here and not feel bad. You're my safe haven - my silent best friend. My heart. The very essence of me, containing all my thoughts and memories. I just have to write a sentence in you everyday, because I can't bare to see that blank page glaring up at me with its brilliant whiteness. I need to mar it with the blackness of my ink!

I woke in the inn again - "Doorway's Rest". I must say, I've grown quite tired of the place, despite its tranquility. I always admire the waterfall whenever my weary eyes open to take in the day. It's not real, of course - artificial by the looks of it - but this time I awoke in the room above there. The "restaurant seating".

I went down the stairs and I saw Seph, but I think he was dosing. His back was to me and I couldn't see him properly, so I left him alone and took a trip to the bakery. I got myself another sweetroll and spoiled my teeth rotten with it. Then I grew restless and left the aromatic area, quickly guiding myself to Muriel Park. I took a wrong turn and faced countless numbers of Ethucan guards, so I quickly turned back. They depress me, a lot, but I guess I have to bear with them. I now sit with the birds, feeding them, but I can feel sleep pulling at my lids. I guess it's time to take my rest - and yes, on the ground I will sleep!

Sweet dreams, dear journal.

The words that Sojo spoke to me were so very true, yet so very simple. I'd forgotten just how magical she could be, how she could make me smile all the time. I think I'm finally beginning to grasp onto the old woman's words. Now, I just don't want to wring my hands to cry anymore - I just want to smile and be happy. And as hard as it may be, I really have no choice. It's not like I'm the only person who's suffering in these lands, and I have no right to feel sorry for myself when...well...so many other people have better reasons to do so.

What Sojo told me reminded me of the days of my childhood, so strongly, that it nearly made me fall speechless. She said ever so thoughtfully, that fighting wasn't natural for us, and didn't I agree? So many of us have become caught up in fighting every day against evil, that we've forgotten what life truly is about. It's not about fighting, or dying, or crying - it's about living, loving and laughing. And that's what I used to do, when I was a child. Before my parents were ill. I was...a kid. Playful, bouncy, hyperactive. A kid. And such strong memories of Crontia flood back to me when I think of that.

Crontia. I've never called my home by its name, not until Seph started calling it so. But...I grew up there, in happiness, and though I suffered so much there, I cannot ever forget the delight I felt when I was a child. It can never ever be my home again, but it can at least make me smile when I think of it.

So thank you truly, Sojourner Dove. I love you dearly. Though you will probably not peek upon this book like so many others do, I just hope you already know that your presence makes me smile. And you just taught me there was more to life than fighting and training and farming and crystal-hunting. You taught me that there was life.

Ethucan is so beautiful...for once, I left behind my troubled feelings and actually enjoyed myself as Seph took me first to the bakery, then to Muriel Park. I think we'll be visiting the beach next, I'm not sure, but I need to rest first. It was twilight when we reached the park, and everything was just too perfect for me. Just when Seph and I said goodbye, we...well, it was a bit awkward, to say the least.

Thank all the gods for this wonderful time I'm having - I will never forget the times I have spent so far here, and I can't help but wonder what's next in line for me.

Right...Skye's right, again.

Love...what is love? Love is rare, oh so rare. People think they love, but they don't. What they think is love turns out to be a childish infatuation, and when they make that decision to forever spend their lives with their 'loved ones', they realise that they've made a mistake, and find a new loved one in a matter of seconds. Only then, do they realise, that they are merely repeating the process over and over again. I find it hard to believe that these people will ever find the ones they truly love, but I know that every person finds that one true love in their lives, whether it's when they're old and withered or young and blossoming, it's up to them.

There are so many exceptional people as well - people I know love each other so dearly that they would do anything. I can name a few people, but they escape me at the moment. All I know is that I haven't been one of them. The closest to love I might have felt was maybe for Trip, and he will always be special, since he was the very first. But even then, it was probably just an obsession. Excitement that I had finally found someone who was interested in me. I'm not even sure now if I was interested in him as well. See? It's not love - I'm calling it interest. There's a huge difference.

And then after that, came Skyls - he is a kind man, very dear to me, and he was a very dear friend. But he is also a man of honour, and to think that I had the nerve to confess to him how much I liked him, is disgraceful. Ever since then, our friendship hasn't been the same. We used to be so close, but I feel there's a wall separating us now. A wall that was made because I was a fool. A complete and utter fool.

And now to Sylkie, what I felt was affection, not love. To know that I very nearly made the mistake I was scoffing at when I started writing this, to know that I very nearly bonded him and committed something that I couldn't undo, still kills me. What I felt was affection for him, pity sparked by Aly when she told me he was used to being told that he was just a friend, and a desperate need for someone to hold me when I was down. But then I realised that I had never even worried or wondered about him once when I was away from Valorn - sure, maybe thought about him, but never with that sense of tenderness that comes with love. And then I realised that I could never ever share with him the sorrow and pain I felt, all the suffering I had been through, all the tears I wished to cry. I realised I couldn't share all this with him, and I knew that he would never be my true love.

And all through that, was Herosci. He does not love me. I state it for him - he does not love me. He thinks he does, but he does not. If he did love me, he would leave me alone and not keep coming back to try and persuade me into taking him. I would never ever take him - not even out of pity. I shall say it here and now, that I hate him with every single bit of my heart. It's black hate - I will never like him, not even enough to be friends with him. Even when my days of adventuring were young, I was always irritated by him, and that irritation slowly grew to dislike, which slowly grew to hate. So I can never love him - never.

But what I feel right now, is something I have never felt before. With this feeling I feel a sorrow and a will to cry, but I also feel the need to cling onto it, because it's what is keeping me sane. Surrounded by the beauty of Iscax helped me realise my true feelings, but I don't want to admit them. The only person I admitted them to was Skye, and she told me to just be myself and do what comes naturally. She said that Seph was a good man - 'for all his horrid past' - and I felt that feeling I had felt when I had seen that 'good man' with Esme. That - yes I admit it now - jealousy. I was jealous that Seph had told Skye of his past, was so narrow-minded that I thought it had only been me who had known about his past. That I was special. But no, I'm not - to Seph, I'm just a friend. A person he can trust. And though I may love him till my death, he will not love me - I am sure of it. But while I'm alive, I know I can love no other but Seph, and even if he withers and fades before me, I will love him past death. But I promise myself here and now, that I will never ever confess my love to Seph. Not unless I know that he feels the same way - I don't want to ruin this friendship that has helped me live through these days, knowing that there will be someone to lean on when I'm down.

And I have to thank him, for helping me realise all this.

Long have I spent my life in the dark, in the shadows, being Ermin - being the nice girl who was always there to help her friends, yet drowning in her own problems, unable to help herself. I've helped my friends a lot, and they've helped me. I'd do anything for my friends, even if it meant pulling myself out of the shadows to help them.

Because, lately, that's where I've been drawn to. The shadows. I've never been there, but I want to. And coming here to Ethucan with Seph helped me realise that, and it also helped me realise that I'm just a human being. I can't take all this stress and confusion without cracking someday, and I hate myself for bringing all this upon me. I mean, Ethucan, it's such a lovely place, really it is - but I resent it for making me realise something deep inside my heart that I don't even want to admit here. I don't want to admit it at all. It's happening too soon for me, and I only just ended it a while back, but I'm not helping my case, either. I'm not helping it at all.

We went to the textile shop first, and I got Skye her souvenir and got myself a pair of leather shoes. Seph got some shoes as well. Then we went into the jeweller's shop, and he got me this lovely necklace, covered in jewels. It was so expensive, and I said I wanted it, but I didn't want him to get it for me. It was too dear. But he went ahead and did it anyway, and what did I do? Oh, by the gods, what in N'rolav did I do? I gave him a kiss - then I ran away. I gave him a hurried excuse that I wanted to have a bit of rest before exploring Ethucan more, and ran away.

But that kiss meant nothing - it was just a kiss to a friend, a thank-you kiss. I don't want to spoil all this. It's happened too many times before - with Trip, with Skyls, with Sylkie - it just spoils everything, and I don't want it to happen to Seph. And someday I will just crack under all this and I won't be able to get back up again - so who'll catch me when I fall? My friends, certainly, but will they be there when my last nerve cracks?

I can't believe I'm in Ethucan, and I'm worrying about all this. It's so beautiful, lavish, breathtaking. I want to stay here forever, where I don't have to wear armour all the time and walk the lands in fear. But to know that I'm not really welcome here pains me so much. I love it here, yet it pains me. I want to stay, yet I can't.

I claw at myself, trying to hold on, but all I want to do is sink and cry. Confusion engulfs me, and I can't get out. I need someone to help me - a shoulder to cry on. It seems so long ago, so far away, so unreal, when I read that poem out to Trip. A shoulder to cry on. So long ago, when I was happy-go-lucky, unaware of my future, not knowing how I'd suffer...and now I don't know who's the real Ermin. The Ermin I used to be, or the Ermin who I am now? Or am I an Ermin at all? Am I just the shadow of Ermin? A ghost of what she used to be?

Everything seems so far away...everything seems so unreal. It's too confusing for me. I don't want to write anymore.

Who would have thought that the first thing I'd do when I reached the Doorway was fall asleep? I didn't know it at first, but one moment I was standing in front of the Doorway, then the next thing I know, the sun's peeking up again and Seph's fast asleep. Maybe I should have rested before coming here - I have no idea, but it's just so odd how you can be so excited, then fall asleep the next moment!

So I sat up and I'm still sitting, and I can't get my fingers away from the Doorway crystal...it's beautiful. I'd seen it on the market, but I had never thought that I would actually get to hold it or use it - in fact, I hadn't known I would ever even get a glimpse of Ethucan. It's just so unreal - I can't believe it even now.

One thing Seph warned me about, though, was to keep quiet about me being an enchantress. I remembered then that enchanters weren't really, um, welcome in Ethucan, which is why I took off my armour - robes, pantaloons, staff, armlets and rings - and placed them carefully in my bank before taking out my unworn dress and slipping into it, with my only slightly worn-out sandals and my faithful pendant.

Just...wow...to think I'm going to Ethucan! I can't think straight at the moment, and if I'm not careful I'll still be writing when Seph wakes - I just, for one more time, cannot believe my luck.

**The writing here is hurried and messy**

I'm going to Ethucan - all the bad thoughts about Herosci, trying to get me on a dinner date, and all the confusion concerning Seph disperses as that one thought comes to my head. I'm going to Ethucan.

Seph and I went to the Taste of Ethucan restaurant in Kili together, had a meal, and he offered to take me to Ethucan if I thought that the restaurant was so good. I was shocked, I said I couldn't, but he persuaded me and -

Oh my, I'm going to Ethucan!

Cel's words fluttered around my head, tugging at my hair, until it finally settled in my brain. Memories of my contact with that terrible obelisk remained firmly in one side of my brain, and the question continued to pound in my head. Do I have an inner demon? Knowing Cel, she'll probably peek here and leave an indignant note and try to persuade me otherwise...but it'll still leave me confused and tired.

"The strange dreams torment you too much. Pick your own dreams and live them."

"That scar on your shoulder will heal properly when your heart has made up its mind."

"Your hands have purpose. Use them. Build. Hug. Stop wringing them and crying."

Those words came to me in my dreams as I lay on the hot, sea-washed sands of Kilican beach, and they remain imprinted ever so boldly in my head. Like a single fire burning in the darkness of my mind, the deep shrouds of my heart.

And I follow them, get confused by them, kicked away, start again, repeat the process...


[COLOR=gray]A flicker of hesitation
Before reaching out timidly,
A feeling of jubilation
Before my hand falls flat.
The fire begins to fade,
Die and splutter,
The decision has been made
As the eyes cloud.
The hand goes cold,
The eyelids close,
The words that were bold
Turn morose.[/COLOR]

How can he say that we had been perfect together when he hadn't ever seen us with each other? How can he say that we had had so much spirit when he hadn't been there to see it? He doesn't know - he never will. His skull is too thick to be able to comprehend that he doesn't know me and never will. He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't. He never will, and I won't let him.

So I spent another day, hacking around in the tombs and on Kilican beach, and I'm leaning against the rock again, feeling the sea spray splashing against me playfully. I told Skye that this was the perfect place to rest, despite the vipers and the urchins. But then again, they don't harm you when you're asleep, it seems.

When I awoke, I saw that I had a note from Seph, and I looked at it, and he had evidently been hoping to see me, but then I had fallen asleep before I had received that message. I felt slightly bad and sent him an apology for being mean before, though he's still asleep.

I also spoke with Sylkie today as well - he's still wearing that ring. I wonder if he realises that? But then again, it's just a ring. I didn't think of it before, but it's just a ring - the rings he gave me, they're also just rings. Rings can't contain love - they're just something you give to make you feel better. I wonder if we meant them as tokens of love?

It feels like I'm changing from the inside out. Slowly, slowly, a hard shell is developing around me, and I don't like it. It's making me feel cold and bitter and different. I don't feel like Ermin anymore - I feel like the demon inside me.

I woke with the sand stuck to my eyelashes, my lips stinging from salt water and grit, my hair coarse and dry and my body aching with the discomfort of my position. I was puzzled as to where I was at first, just lying there under the sun with the sea gently swerving in to the shore, then pulling itself out again, always just out of my reach, though coming closer.

I stood up, and there was some man nearby, but I couldn't tell if he was awake or asleep. I was clumsy and tired and dull, and when I picked up my staff, it all of a sudden shot out a lance of lightning, and that was enough to clear my mind. Embarrassed, I grabbed my bag of dust and took myself to the Nexus.

When I went into Cerbie's, there was a party. My eyes shot around and they suddenly landed on the girl, and a lance of pain and annoyance shot through me. Seph had told me she was called Esme - 'not the brightest blade in the rack' or 'pack' or whatever he said. He said he had been helping her. Yet, as I observed her for a moment, I felt incredulous at the illusion I seemed to be seeing. The other day I saw her, her lips had been thin, her looks average, her hands rough - yet today, her lips were full, red and glossy, her hair also more noticeable. I blinked, wondering if it was just me or what she had done. It was incomprehensible.

Luckily, I was distracted from the girl because of the party, and everyone was pinning a smile on a picture of Hojo. That girl, Esme, went first however, so I tried to ignore my own feelings and managed to smile and chuckle and laugh along with everyone else at her attempts. She made Hojo's picture frown, at any rate. Then I think Skyls went next, and put the smile on Hojo's belly, then a young girl went next, then Jezz after that. I didn't participate and left soon after Jezz's turn.

I had only noticed in the middle of the party that Esme had disappeared, so when I was walking back to my guildhall, I saw her at the forest entrance, and a glum feeling of annoyance flicked through me. I quickly walked past without another glance at her, and now I sit. How silly of me to be so protective of Seph! But he's such a close friend to me, and for some reason it makes me feel annoyed and angry everytime some other person tries to claim him as their own. But I shouldn't be controlling who can have Seph, because that's not my right. Anyone can be friends with Seph - and Seph can choose who are his close friends. I have no right to take part in that.

So next time I see Esme, I swear I will at least smile and say hello to her, maybe strike up a conversation. And then I have to apologise to Seph for being so mean the other day. That was foolish of me.

After talking with Skye, I guess everything just requires some common sense. Unfortunately, that's something I lack.

He keeps coming back to me, and everytime he speaks those words, they tear at my heart, letting the blood gush out and flood my body, threatening to pour out of my eyes as tears - why does he keep telling me how much I hurt him? Why can't he just let it be? I just want to scream and throw myself into the sea at this moment.

That's right - I'm sitting on Kilican beach, my back against a rock, the sea washing up the shore to touch my feet, making my sandals heavy and leaving little dew on my heatened flesh. I came here from Milltown, and in Milltown the strangest thing happened to me.

I was on my way to the tombs when I saw Seph and some other girl together. At first I was amused and caught Seph's eye, and he smiled and waved. I went over and said hello, and the girl turned to look at me then stepped closer to Seph, still observing me. A sudden thunderbolt of feelings struck me, tearing at my insides and threatening to engulf me. She announced that maybe she should leave, but I beat her to it. I told her I was going to the tombs anyway, and turned and walked away without a second glance.

I walked around the tombs, stabbing out viciously with my staff, the strange feelings inside me slowly turning to anger and viciousness. When Seph sent a bird after me, I felt cold and bitter, and my reply was just so. I kept on acting nasty until finally Seph sighed and told me he should rest, and stopped sending me birds. That was around when I reached Kilican, I think. He said he had gone to Aldwythe's Landing, but I told him stubbornly I was going to Kili...oh, what a fool I am...

What were those feelings? They couldn't have been jealousy - that's pitiful. Why would I be jealous of a girl moving closer to Seph? I don't love or like that mad little cleric or anything - we're just friends. Best friends. He's one of the only people I trust, and I know he trusts me just as I much. So it's ridiculous to think that I was jealous.

I was just annoyed by the girl's gesture - that's all.

Right now, I feel this sadness deep down inside my heart, yet it's a peaceful sadness. I'm not sure why I feel it, but I feel it anyway as I sit in the Ray of Hope park. I am surrounded by beautiful blue flowers, sprouting around the Life Monument. I want to reach out and feel their soft, damp petals, maybe lower my fingers a bit more to pull one out of the ground, but all it will do is wilt and die, so why do so?

But I think I feel this sadness because it's part of Aldwythe's Landing. Everywhere in this place is filled with sorrow, despair, helplessness - and after only two marcs here, it feels like I've become a part of the sinister air. All the citizens live in fear - every single one of them. The children laugh, but beneath that laughter lies that uneasiness that knows that they may not be able to laugh for long.

Was this city once beautiful and thriving, filled with life and chatter and laughter? If you can call it a city...

I explored for a while, trudging through the streets, filled with people who had faces of despair. I was helpless, unable to help them, just to become one of them, blending in, yet a stranger in the midst...I visited Cory's Palace, saw the beautiful armour blessed by the gods themselves, then I visited the tower that was indicated to me by one of the men in the Palace. I could see the throne, so high up, so beautiful...

I was overwhelmed, I couldn't stay there, feeling inferior and uncomfortable. I took a corridor off to the side and explored some more, descending a flight of steps - only to be confronted by a maddened prisoner. My mouth fell open in a silent scream at the grisly sight, but then he moved forward, and I knew I was in danger. An actual scream finally escaped my lips and I turned and ran - ran and never looked back.

Then there was the fountain...a single ray of hope, like the heart of Aldwythe's Landing, bubbling and creating crystalline waterfalls, and I stood for a moment to watch it, silently and impassively, yet with peace in my heart, before moving deeper into the despairing town.

And now I sit in the Ray of Hope park, cross-legged, the hair falling into my eyes for the hundredth time, writing in you.

And I read the stone pillar, standing tall at the entrance, and for the sake of this beautiful park, I write:



[COLOR=Red]Welcome to our park. Here we try to

maintain some sanity in a crumbling world

while preserving a safehaven for us to escape

to when the troubles of the world become

too much for us to handle. You are welcome

to use this place as a gathering spot, but

please treat it with respect.[/COLOR]

It's been finished, between me and him. I told him I would treasure the rings forever, told him that he was the only man who had loved me so purely for who I was. He shrugged it off, just like he shrugged off my last kiss. I felt the pain pounding in my heart, stabbing at me, tearing off my skin...

But then, who am I to hurt, when I have no right to? I caused this, it's all my fault. I have no right to hurt.

And then, through all that, I was in Cerbie's, only able to say all that to him by bird, unable to say it to his face. Soon, an old woman entered the Grill. She did fortune-telling, and she did it for Skye and for Jezz, and finally I asked if she could do it for me.

The first, she told something as of the like that I should leave behind my tormented dreams and make my own. That one, I cannot remember clearly.

The second, she said that the scar on my shoulder will only fade when my heart makes up its mind. That, I remember clearly.

The third, she said I should use my hands to build or hug, not wring them to cry.

The fourth, beware of sweet drinks.

How can my heart make up its mind? And believe me, I've tried to stop wringing my hands to bring out tears, but I just can't...it's too painful, to come out of the shadows of self-pity and try to be normal.

I vented it all out on Seph, because I had nothing better to do. I pounded on the Life Monument, because I was so frustrated. Oh, what would I do without my mad little cleric? What would I do without all my friends?

But most of all, what would I do without...everything?

He read my journal and what I had to say...and by the gods I wish I had never written that. He still means a lot to me...just as a friend, and well...though he just dismissed it with a smile, I can't help but feel terrible over what I've done. The least I could have done was say it straight to him, not tell him through this darn book...

I feel terrible. I just feel terrible.

I'm finally back in Dundee, and I saw a few of my friends again - Lug, Cel and Trip. I didn't go to Cerbie's or the inn, though. I'm too exhausted to seek out my other friends, yet. Maybe next time.

I got a few disturbing birds from Herosci as well, asking who my bondmate was and all that...I can't believe that I've been away for so long and all he can ask is that. It's...infuriating!

I haven't seen Sylkie yet, either...there's something I need to tell him. Something serious. It's just that everything's changed for me, and I don't feel the same...but he's the only person who's ever really truly loved me as he does, but I...I just don't think I feel the same anymore. I feel like there's a barrier between me and him, preventing me from sharing my pains and tears with him...it just feels like I've gone to a totally different level, away from what I used to be - away from what I used to feel.

I might as well stick a sign on my back, warning everyone about what an idiotic mess I've become. A real idiotic mess.

I let things happen as they happened, and let Seph deal with it himself, though I'm not sure he realised that. I stood by and watched everything pass by me, and watched him fix what he wanted to fix.

We went to my home - my village...my 'home'. There were children running around - two girls and a young boy. A man named Eath was called upon us, and he generously offered to take us to the hut by the stream - where Seph had lived as a child.

We went there and...we found out that one of the girls who we had seen - Vortea - was somehow related to Seph. I don't think I'll ever know how shocked Seph was, I really wouldn't. He delayed everything, though, and we went for a dash across the plains, fascinated by the scenery and feeling at peace.

When we came back, Vortea was there. I'm not sure if Eath had brought her or not, but she was there. Seph tried to break everything to her slowly at dinner, but she was ever so sour and dull. He gave up in the end and went to his bedroom, so I followed him and encouraged him not to give up before going to bed myself.

When I awoke, Vortea was gone and Seph was wearing the pendant around his neck. It was the pendant Vortea had worn, so I guess he did break it to her in the end. Eath was acting a bit suspicious as well.

He took us back to our village by the little boat, and when he went, Seph called him Anon. I didn't question him - I don't know what he meant by it, but I didn't question him.

We ventured across the swamp and to Bemoin's village, then went to the ruined temple to destroy the sword. I don't want to write what happened there - I never want to think about it again. It was terrible and...and...it was just terrible. But we came back fine, and the ship was there.

We went onto the Sunflower, and now we're heading home. Everything's...over.